respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dick very happy bro
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
