I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
