so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
