And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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