I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
