Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
