im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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