I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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