I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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