She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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