my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
