Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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