Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
