After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
