Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
