I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You just made me feel so damn special
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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