Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
