I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
