If i come over, it means nothing
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
