sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
