We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So many bounce houses so little time
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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