Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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