HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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