Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
