tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
