i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
