I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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