dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
