I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
