he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
