Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
