Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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