I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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