I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
