Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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