I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
