Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
