i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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