NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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