Don't make out with my wife yet
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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