I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
