Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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