buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
