my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
