I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
