help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
