Ambien. No doubt about it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
