woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
