I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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