I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
