who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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