this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize