dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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