it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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