So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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