my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
