its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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